Idiots

People are so fucking rude, disrespectful and disgusting. These so called "men" that are in their 20's are so ridiculous. I'm younger than them and they're so immature. So this fat fucking asswipe hacked my Twitter account and said the most sick thing ever. I fucking hate him so much. Thanks to that jerk, I had to change all my emails, usernames, and passwords. Cause nobody can mind their own fucking business.

Mixed Emotions

It gets harder day by day. Acting like everything is okay. Faking a smile. Faking a laugh. You don't want to share your feelings to other's because it feels like they don't care. Nobody wants to listen to you complain. Everyone expects you to be happy and live like nothing's wrong. So you build everything up inside you. Staying strong all the time. But by the end of the day when everyone is asleep you cry your eyes out from holding everything in all day. Do you know what that makes you? A strong person. Don't think that you're weak. If you can pretend that everything is alright and pretend you're happy, you're strong. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Depression

So how can I begin by explain how this feels? I don't even feel sad. I feel numb. As so many emotions running through me, thousands of thoughts going through my head, millions of memories catching up to me...realizing that life will never be the same again. No one knows what it feels like. I keep telling myself to stay strong. People tell me that I'll get through it. Nobody knows how much a smile can hide. Cause nobody knows my true feelings and what goes through my mind. I maybe laughing and smiling throughout the day. But when night falls and the lights turn off tears run down my face. I'm not who I used to be. I sure have changed. I think back, look through my journal and realize how happy I was. Now I'm nothing but a wreck. Everyone thinks its nothing big. I know they think that. I'm the one to hide my feelings, cause I don't want sympathy. I can't talk to anyone about this because I don't know what to say. Its like a tornado of thoughts, feelings, and memories spinning in my head. It won't settle down. Therefore, I don't have anything to say. But you look back on life and ask yourself "where did I go wrong?" Do you have the answer to that?...I don't. I always went by the saying "time heals pain." But days go by and its getting worse. I'm getting worse. And knowing that memories are dead. They won't come back no matter how hard you try. And the worse thing is, you have to let it go and move on....but I feel that's impossible. 

Reality Ruined Life

What is something actually worth in life? Right now I have no clue. My heart is shattered. Tears come down my face like a water fall. My thoughts are like a tornado, spinning around. I don't know what to think. I don't know what I want. I don't know who I am. I don't know how I feel. I guess whats really important in my life are my friends. I'm still trying to find who my real friends are. My family is who is important. My education should be something to focus on...and then move on with my life to something better. Am I happy? No...I don't know. Right now every choice I make is becoming a regret. I learned from my mistake, but it is to late to change that. I want to bring back the days when I was truly happy. But I can't. Because those days came to an end. Died like a human. Memories just cross my mind every second. Making me think  twice on things in my life.

Southern Life

Florida, 2013

Memories

These good memories are soon to fade. Forget and move on..I can't, and I don't want to. It seems like yesterday my friends and family from Florida came to visit. We were are one big family. Laughing, smiling, sharing great stuff with each other. And when they left, I felt like a part of my heart left. Then months went by and we slowly disconnected. Everyone went their own ways. Not talking to them hurts more and more.

12:46am

Well, hello to you too mood swings. I'm glad you came back, you know, not like I wanted a relaxing night. Well depressed mood, feel free to leave...cause for some reason tears won't come out. So its kind of pointless having you here. But seriously, why do you have to do this to me? I know I am Bipolar, but for the love of God, I'm still on my antidepressants! So you shouldn't be here. 

Why am I feeling moody and depressed? No clue. I just wanna fucking cry my eyes out. For no reason. I just need to cry real fucking badly. I'm feeling depressed about so much. I feel like I messed up my life in a way. I should have made different choices. 

I think to myself, is it really worth being here? What do I have going for me? Yeah I possibly might have 2 jobs. But I never finished my education..and I kinda wanna do that some place else. I wanna restart things. Now that I think about it, yeah I do have some family and friends here, and my boyfriend, but my heart is in Florida. I miss my other friends and family so fucking much, it hurts. No one seriously understands how I feel. And I'm sure they never will. 

And there is just no point in showing my feelings cause all I'll hear is lies if I did. So I hide them. 

And when everyone is asleep....

I cry myself to sleep..